My Struggle

• First and foremost, I am a single mom of two perfect children who I have encouraged to be independent, creative thinkers. Turns out they are smarter than me and have already learned how to control me through sleep deprivation, humiliation and badgering.  Hopefully they will never learn about waterboarding.
• I love being a hairdresser. While making people beautiful is an important piece of it, being around my amazing clientele, most of whom feel like an extension of my dysfunctional family, is what gets me excited about going to work each day . 
• I had the most inconsistent upbringing you can possibly imagine, involving a parade of dysfunctional characters.  My life, of course, has always seemed totally normal to me until people ask me questions about my family and childhood.  The answers seem like confused ramblings of a crazy person but I can assure you they are all true.
• I was once animal lover who took pride in providing stable homes for cats and dogs in need.  I am now outnumbered and have a strong sense of responsibility to provide my pets with a comfortable home.  This means I often sleep on the couch and my grocery list includes premium organic dogfood and top ramen.
• I am a perfectionist and a control freak.  I am obsessed with efficiency, multitasking and being the best at everything.  I also have debilitating ADD. My head is in a constant state of confusion. Fortunately, while my doctor is forbidden by law to prescribe the necessary amount of medication to regulate my ADD, she is able to prescribe something for the resulting anxiety. 
• Although I have surrounded myself with people I love and respect, I am extremely introverted.  I refuse to share, I like my space and I enjoy going for days without talking to anyone. This often leads to alienating the people closest to me.
• I love to organize.  I am also a hoarder.  I am in an abusive relationship with my clutter, while too much stuff makes me feel secure it overwhelms me. 
• I take full responsibility for my actions in the long run but like to blame others in the moment.  My episodes of rage are notorious but I am usually compelled by guilt to apologize which in turn makes me hate people.  I hold grudges 
• I have many irrational fears and am paranoid and on edge most of the time.  Fortunately this has never stopped me from taking risks.  I love to see what I can get away with. Surely there is a clinical term for this kind of self torture.
• My Babies Daddy is the best father to my children I could possibly ask for and  is my best friend.  I realize that I am lucky but I am also a stubborn, commitmentphobe who enjoys living alone and refuses to work at a relationship.  I am comfortable with continuing the cycle of dysfunction.
• I feel good physically even though I have zero self-control when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle. Although I recently quit smoking, I drink heavily, my diet is disgusting,  and I avoid exercise like the plague.
• I miss my mother. She gave me the confidence to be who I am. Through harsh judgement and unconditional love she taught me to embrace my poor decision-making skills and continue to move forward, working through whatever obstacles I have created.
• Although I consider myself suspicious of almost everyone, I am a horrible judge of character and have a tendency to trust the wrong people.
• I love to write and really hope to publish one day. I prefer to write in notebooks and journals but my brain seems to be degenerating so my handwriting is often illegible even to myself.  I dont understand sentence structure or punctuation.
• I am not embarrassed to share most of my stories, on paper or in person.  Some are obviously exaggerated. Most are not.  Sometimes I hope others can learn from my mistakes, sometimes its just freaking funny.